Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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