god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
