CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
