I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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