Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
