this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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