The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
