we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Never underestimate the power of titties
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