I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
