At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
