i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
