i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
