This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
