I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
