My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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