somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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