last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
