I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
