Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He has the fingertips of a God
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
