My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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