I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
