I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
