I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
