you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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