i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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