Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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