Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
