On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
