First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
