it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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