people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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