you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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