My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
