Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
