Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
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