I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
