Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
