It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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