i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My vagina is officially offended.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
