New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
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SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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