woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
