His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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