If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
And then he peed in my hair
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