I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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