with your own penis?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
