I'm lost and stupid without you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
