I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
