tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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