If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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