i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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