does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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