apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
