we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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