my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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