I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
