If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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